The End, I think. (Very Whiny Article)

Conclusions have been reached.

Historical and statistical analysis have proven only one thing: there will (much more than likely) forever be persistence in my current state of singlehood, and I am unable to change this. Let me elaborate.

"forever be a persistence in my current state of singlehood" - Shurlz.

Yes, I am apparently narcissistic enough to quote myself, and apparently, I must use "apparently" in every article.

Anyhoo, the reason I say this is simple.

At the time of the writing of this article, I'm 26. I estimate the time of my actually trying to get a girlfriend at around when I was 18 or so. This means that for the last EIGHT years I have experienced nothing but failure in this regard. I'm not talking inability to find a life partner here. I'm talking about the inability to find an actual girlfriend. Based on what I observe in the real world, I have to come to the conclusion that a guy finding a girlfriend is amongst the most basic and easy to accomplish of male functions. What person would do anything that fails for eight years? Learning a musical instrument, learning a trade, a skill, doing a course at a university? Finding a girlfriend should take much less time than any of these things. I have to assume that failure in this regard for this length of time would mean that I currently have an inherent inability to decrypt the girlfriend puzzle.

"I am unable to change this" - Shurlz

Quoting myself again.

What I mean by this is that there are things that my conscience won't allow me to do. However, those are the things that it seems that I have to do to get a girlfriend. Things like being able to be a jerk-who's-not-really-a-jerk-who-can-once-in-a-while-not-be-a-jerk-and-show-a-little-improvement-to-give-her-hope-that-I'm-changing type of person. Say what you want, ladies, but for the vast (over 99%) majority of you, nice guys are boring, and non-nice guys are exciting. Also, complaining about not being able to find nice guys is exciting.

Therefore, since I cannot be exciting to actual women as I am, and I can't change who I am, I withdraw from the game. Shurlz, retired at 26 due to a rejection-related injury.

Sigh. (No real conclusion here, I guess)

TFZ - The Friend Zone.

Ah yes.

The Friend Zone, that sweet limbo, that semi-seductive purgatory where nice guys seem to live, made popular by the hit sitcom "Friends" back in the day. However, there are a few important questions about this place must be asked and answered.

First Question: What, exactly, is the friend zone?

To answer this question, one first needs to understand the context of its creation. Personally, if I feel attracted to a girl, i feel the need to find out more about her. I believe the most logical route to take is to befriend her. That way, I can learn more about her personality and see if she is a person worth going after. I'm usually successful in befriending her, due to the fact that I'm a relatively friendly person.

So let's assume that in a few weeks time, I decide that I really like this girl. So I try to take the friendship to another level, but I'm usually faced with the following sign:

CAUITION: YOU ARE NOW A RESIDENT OF THE FRIEND ZONE.

"Well of course I'm in The Friend Zone, I'm her friend" I say to myself. "Now to go to The Boyfriend Zone"

So I find a policeman, and ask him how to get to The Boyfriend Zone. He gives me directions and I'm on my way. However, to my dismay, When I get to the place he told me about, I'm faced with a sealed door and another sign:

THE PASSAGE TO THE BOYFRIEND ZONE EXPIRED A FEW MINUTES AFTER YOU MET THAT GIRL.

"Sigh," I think, "Again? Are all Boyfriend Zone passages this short-lived? Oh well, the next girl I meet will want to be friends first."

Most of the reading I have done seems to point to one thing: women make decisions about a man's potential as her mate within a few minutes of meeting him. It also seems to declare that once the decision is make, it is near impossible to unmake.

Sigh.

Second Question: What does The Friend Zone look like?

The Friend Zone is hard to qualify.

It makes more sense to describe some of the sensations experienced while in The Friend Zone.

i. Constant references to friendship ("I'm so glad we're friends", "You're a really good friend").

ii. Friendly conversations that don't seem able to move past a friendly level.

iii. Other "friend stuff".

(DISCLAIMER: The sensations experienced in The Friend Zone are similar to those experienced in the Zone of Friends. In fact, they are exactly the same. It must be noted that the Friend Zone only spawns when the person you are friends with is someone you want to be romantically involved with. The Zone of Friends is where your normal friendships exist.)

Third Question: Can one escape The Friend Zone?

No.

Very much like Hotel California, you may never leave The Friend Zone.

Fourth Question: But that's unfair! Why not?

Hey, that's a whiny exclamation and a question rolled into one.

To answer it, I do not know. Apparently, the only choice a guy has is to let a woman he's simply attracted to know that he's interested in her and he has to do it very quickly after they meet. If he does not, The Friend Zone spawns. However, it makes no sense to me to do this, since it seems quite risky to constantly throw your heart out there simply based on mere attraction. As a result, I have to constantly risk The Spawning of The Friend Zone everytime I meet a woman I'm attracted to and hope the the experience I gain from spending so much time there will allow me to one day break free of it.

The Victorious Jerks and their Perfect Game Plan.

Ok.

So maybe nice guys finish last. However, why do 'jerks' (and that's the only time i'll use quotation marks to describe them) tend to win? What I'm about to write is a compilation of my experiences (and personal observations) on the subject matter.

As I now see things, the reasons for this are as follows:

Reason 1: Jerks are daring.

Jerks come across to girls as daring because they are willing to say things that are totally unconventional. And by unconventional I mean crude. Very crude. I have heard guys say things that in my mind would warrant little more than a powerful slap and instead be rewarded with a flirtatious "You're so bad!" and a playful slap on the arm. I have witnessed guys speaking to women about their private body parts without any of the dire consequences that I had always assumed would take place.

You see, Jerks take the convention of respect for the ladies and throw it out the window. It also seems that women are taught, either by instinct or (I really hope not) upbringing to see this lack of respect as the archetype of manliness and of bravery, leading to a resultant gushing and fawning over him. This is because even if the effect is not immediate, the fact that he says things so nonconformist means that he'll be on her mind nonetheless, even if she was at first offended.

However, this reason pales in comparison to the next:

Reason 2. Jerks have no issues with playing the numbers game.

"There is someone for everyone"

This saying, the beacon of hope for nice guys everywhere, is taken to the extreme by the Jerks.

What better way to ensure the continuation of your particular brand of genetic compilation than to attempt to get with as many members of the opposite sex as possible? It's comparable to using a sniper rifle as opposed to a shotgun if one was hunting a flock of birds.

With a sniper rifle, even if one were perfectly adept at its use, the most casualties per shot is one.

Nice guys use sniper rifles.

With a shotgun one is guaranteed to wound many, as eventually some will slow down enough to be killed.

Jerks use shotguns.

Jerks are able to use shotguns as a direct result of:

Reason 3: Jerks are nonchalant.

Nice guys care about rejection.

The fear of rejection is what motivates most nice guys' actions with respect to girls. It's the main reason that nice guys are usually devoid of reasons 1 and 2.

Nice guys tend to put a lot of emotional effort into each attempt they make at getting into a relationship. They tend to visualize what the future would be like with the girl; they make the effort to become friends with the girl first in order to ensure they are making the right decision.

Jerks care very little about rejection.

Any rejection a Jerk recieves is immediately shrugged off because in his mind, there are many other fish in the sea. Personally, I have to admit that this attitude is a good one to adopt since at the very least, it results in a less stressful existence, but alas, for the most part being a nice guy precludes such a possibility.

These are but some of the reasons that Jerks seem to victorious.

In the next blog, I will explore another phemonenon in the nice-guy vs jerk vs girl dynamic: The Friend Zone.

The Life Cycle of the Nice Guy - A Tale of Hopelessness?

In my last post, the conclusion was reached that being a nice guy was tantamount to choosing a life of mundane insanity.

However, the question must be asked: What motivates the nice guy?

Reason One: breadcrumbs.

Those nice guys who choose to remain that way after that critical age of 21 do so because they believe that they can romantically subsist on traces of girl-attention. They believe that all the thank-yous and the occasional hugs are predecessors to what can and will happen in the future. They truly think that the phone calls they get for favours from girls are mini-snapshots into what an actual relationship is like.

I won't kid you. I spent some time believing that actual relationships would consist of a nice guy being nice to a girl and she being nice to him in return.

But I wised up and soon moved on to the next reason that motivates nice guys...

Reason Two: bitterness and spite.

So eventually the nice guy realizes that his efforts aren't going to get him a girlfriend, and realizes that the girls he likes enter relationships with The Jerk only a month after telling the nice guy that they aren't ready for a relationship. He decides that he'll be a nice guy for spite.

I'll show them, he obsesses. One day she'll come my way, and I'll reject her! Revenge will be sweet!

These thoughts consume him, become his heart and soul, his reason for being. He no longer desires to be a nice guy, but he carries on out of habit. Though he knows he's no longer actually a nice guy, he still appears that way to the outside world. His acts of kindness, though hollow, still manage to get him the aforementioned breadcrumbs so he's able to cope.

Unfortunately, as many nice guys have realized, living like this is really hard work (Personally this phase only lasted a few months) At this point, they go over to being a Jerk or they continue on, but with a new reason...

Reason Three: blind hope.

This is where I am personally. As I see it, even if it is a one-in-a-million chance, eventually I'll meet a girl who isn't repulsed by the fact that I respect women and would want to treat my special lady as a precious gift. I hope that she will not be bored by the fact that I want what is best for her, and that I believe that part of what's best for her is for her to have a caring boyfriend. With this hope, I move forward.

Hopefully, I'll never have to see the next reason for the motivation of nice guys...

Reason Four: ??? (Hopefully I will never find out)

(Next Topic: The Victorious Jerks and their Perfect Game Plan. - On Tuesday 28th)

Introduction. And... The Nice Guy vs. The Jerk

My name is Shurland. A few people call me Shurlz. The name stuck.

I've decided that it's best to just jump right into things.

And today's topic (see title):

Firstly, I'll quote the old saying: "Nice guys finish last."

This saying is absolutely true.

Apparently, I am a nice guy. Personally, I do not think so myself, but I have been called this many times. By women. It seems that being cordial to women and treating women as human beings has earned me this title. Therefore, I speak from a personal perspective (and probably bias).

Generic Reporter: So Shurlz, why would you, a "nice guy", say that the saying is absolutely true?

Shurlz: Here is why.

Nice guys are nice.

As a result, anyone can predict his movements. For example, if a friend-girl of the nice guy says: "I need a favor", the nice guy will ask her what the favor is and will offer to help in anyway he can. Always. 100% of the time. Also, the nice guy is nice to all girls. Always. Life becomes boring when you can predict everything that is going to happen. I personally call that "stability" but most people call that boring. So assuming that's boring, why in the world would a girl want to spend her life with someone with whom she will always be able to predict?

Think about it. Humans crave unpredictability. It makes life fun.

Any nice guy over 21 knows this. He knows this because he has had a lot of time to think since he has been alone all this time. It is around this age that most nice guys declare "F*** this, I'm going over to the winning side." And rightly so. So they stop being nice guys, become jerks, have many girlfriends (possibly simultaneously) and go on merrily about their lives. However, there are a few (for example yours truly, I'm 25) who decide to keep on being nice to girls. Why do they do this?

They are clinically insane.

All scientists know that if you repeatedly do the same thing, under the same conditions, you will get the same result. Most human beings know this instinctively as well. So if nice guys know that their actions will yield no fruit, and they know that they want fruit, the question is why would they keep on doing something that yields no fruit. The only plausible explanation is insanity.

So nice guys, you now know why you cannot get a girlfriend, Not only are you boring, but you are insane. No girl wants a boring, insane guy.

For those of you who are only borderline insane, there is still time. Stop being a nice guy this instant and go be a jerk. Jerks are the sane ones. Your rewards will be many in the long run.

The End.

(Next topic: The Life Cycle of the Nice Guy - A Tale of Hopelessness?)